It’s a new year, and fitness and health are often on the top of people’s resolution lists. We know how hard the traditional route of regular exercise and healthy eating can be, and want to offer you some of our tried and true techniques. Please keep them on the DL, as this is a TOsketchfest newsletter exclusive, and we don’t want the media getting hold of these hot tips!
#1 Join a gym but never go: Thanks to the political pull of Big Gym, it’s a little known fact that the constant, gnawing guilt of wasting money on a gym you never go to can burn the same amount of calories as actually going! So the next time you feel your thoughts spiraling to shame and stress over yet again choosing staying home over that place full of medieval torture instruments, know that your money was indeed well-spent in things like an insurance policy, or other useful things. Each of those negative thoughts is worth at least five minutes on the treadmill!
#2 Get a haircut: Much like athletes shave their body hair to maximize their aerodynamics, reducing the amount of hair you have is also an effective weight loss method. Depending on how much you had to begin with, you could lose up to seven pounds instantly! Added bonus, if you get a flattering cut it might even make your face look thinner. All gain, no pain!
#3 An elaborate long con: If your weight-loss goals are driven by a desire to be praised by acquaintances and coworkers as opposed to boring old health reasons, consider the following long con. Start the year off by wearing several layers of clothing at a time, at all times.
We’re talking three tanks tops under two t-shirts under a cardigan under a sweater. Same thing for pants (but with pants). Be sure to draw attention to your holiday weight gain with self-deprecating jokes and constant references to loving turkey too much. Then, incrementally throughout the month of February begin to reduce the number of shirts you are wearing, and by early March people will be falling all over themselves to compliment your hard work and successful weight loss. Mission accomplished!
#4 Losing weights: Stock up on a selection of the lower-weight barbels from your local Sports Store. Carry one or two around with you every day in a plastic bag, preferably with a hole in it. Within a month, between leaving them on public transit, forgetting them at a restaurant, or them just falling out of the bag, you will definitely have lost a lot of weights.
#5 Laughter: We might be biased, but not only is laughter the best medicine, it’s also the best diet plan! With a healthy dose of regular laughter, say, at sketch comedy shows, you can lol those lbs away. How else could all sketch comedians be so attractive?
So there you have it folks, try any (or all) of these, and you’re guaranteed a brand new you! We recommend starting with #5.
Like this kind of stuff? Sign up for the TOsketchfest newsletter, and we'll ship goofy stories, sketch comedy news, festival offers, lineup announcements and the like – all direct to your inbox! But not too often... that's annoying.